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About Edit

Love (The Greatest Lie Ever Sold) Explained In 10 Minutes is a video Georg uploaded on the twelfth of February 2017. The video talks about Georg's opinion of love, but not really. The video's content is told through 80s songs and Georg's cynicism.

This is not a certified Lava Lamp video. The source of light is a vintage green lamp. Georg is in his dressing gown.

Description Edit

"What does a misanthropic twat sat behind a desk have to say about love? Well I think love is a great thing. With the abolition of arranged marriages and invention of prophylactics, love is now more necessary than ever to ensure you breed, and the manpower pool is maintained.

Slightly cynical.

This is a factual programme, you're going to learn a lot, now the Romans or the Greeks or whatever thought love could only occur by men, for men. Women, this going to be a bumpy ride, so strap on.

Now love has been around for a long time, but I can't say it's been around forever because I don't know. I mean maybe cavemen were very practically minded and they just looked at each other and said alright I'll cook you clean.

The idea of love has probably been around since people started clubbing each other to death, but in western society marriage, until recently, was based on social cohesion and mutual interest. I mean it still is obvious, just now there's the love hoop as well to jump through. But what is love, it seems like such an obvious question, but its very hard to define...

Transcript Edit

[Georg is about to drink his tea when he puts it down with a sudden exclamation, staring into the camera.]

0:01 Oh, what does a misanthropic twat sat behind a desk have to say about love? How dare you. I think love is a great thing. What with the invention of prophylactics and the abolition of arranged marriage, love is now needed more than ever to make sure that you breed and the manpower pool is maintained.

[Cut to a second camera, staring up at Georg from his left side. Georg waves his hand as a gesture to indicate the "slightly".]

0:16 Slightly cynical.

[Back to the first camera. Georg shakes his finger at the lens.]

0:18 This is a factual programme, you're going to learn a lot. Now, the Romans or the Greeks or whatever, thought that love could only occur by men, for men. So, this is going to be a bumpy ride. Women: strap on!

[A clip of the Flintstones plays. Fred and Wilma are looking at some bowling balls, no dialogue audible.]

0:31 Now, love has been around for a long time, but I can't say it's been around forever because I don't know. Like I said, factual.

[Georg's voice stops and the Flintstones audio fades in.]

0:37 Fred: Those holes are supposed to be in it, you put your fingers in 'em you numbskull.

[Back to camera one again.]

0:41 I mean, maybe cavemen were very practically minded, and they said; you clean I'll cook.

[A clip plays of a woman being fitted in a white floral wedding dress by another woman. As Georg mentions marriage another clip plays of a royal wedding. The wedding falls into static and we transition back to Georg again.]

0:47 The idea of love has probably been around since people started clubbing each other to death. But until recently, marriage, was based on social cohesion and mutual interest. I mean it still is, obviously, but now there's the love hoop to jump through.

[As Georg talks, the song 'What is Love' by Haddaway slowly fades in, and we cut to a scene of a man and a monkey standing on a beach. They kiss.]

1:02 But what is love? It seems like such an obvious question. But it's very hard to define.

[A series of clips is played to the music, which is now at full volume. The first clip is of Hitler and another man exchanging pleasantries in a black and white clip. Their hands point towards each other in gestures of mutual cohesion, and the clip zooms in on their hands and the people in the background jerkily. There are flashes of white along with the music. The next clip is of similar jerky quality, zooming in on Melania Trump giving Michelle Obama a large gift, with Obama and Trump standing by. Donald walks in front of Melania and Michelle turns around to face the camera. There is a freeze-frame and her face is zoomed in on, clearly showing her discomfort. The clip after this is of two men hugging, in suits in front of a large applauding audience. They are not on stage but it appears that one of them has won an award. The next clip is of a man kissing a mannequin head, and then after that two men are shown, one is trying to kiss the other and the other is laughing. The song's chorus has begun at this point and the clips are changing to the beat of the music. A woman and a man are shown standing on some rocks at the beach now, and a large wave crashes over them both. The man hugs the woman in an attempt to shield her from the wave. A woman and a man at the Oscars are chatting when he kisses her. She puts her hand on her heart in shock after the kiss, and takes the award from his hand. The next clip is of Prince William and Princess Kate, with Kate in a wedding dress, and they kiss with a few people standing behind them. Next there is a close-up shot of a man with a large moustache laughing. At this point the song descends into an instrumental with a strong beat and a woman is show from inside a car. She appears to be washing the roof of the car, and her breasts are pressed up against the car window. The clip after this is of a teddy bear with robotic eyelids, blinking, and rubbing its face into a blanket. The scene after this is from the music video of 'Take on Me' by a-ha. It shows a black and white, animated sketch of a man talking to an unanimated woman. After this we see Spiderman talking to some Japanese girls in a hotel room, and a brief shot of Oprah with her arms outstretched. There is a final clip, the same Hitler video from earlier. This time, the man next to Hitler is gesturing to someone off screen as the next line is said, with the music stopping abruptly.]

1:31 And if he don't do it right, chop his head off.

[We return to Georg. Apologies for the long description of the music sequence, but I really do enjoy that part of this video. Among other parts.]

1:32 I believe in love! I just think it's very rare. Let me tell you a story, about what I think love is.

1:40 I used to live in this shitty little town, on the outside of London. And one day, on the estate I lived, I was walking along and there was a man, in his sixties, face down on his lawn. So I went over to the guy, and I could tell he was really drunk. So I left him there.

1:55 About two days later, I saw him sat outside of his house, on the floor, with a bottle of vodka. And he has a huge purple eye. The day afterwards, I found him face down again. He had just fallen over. So, I took him into his house, because he was very confused, he didn't know who he was initially. And he didn't know where he was.

2:13 I didn't spend very long with him, but it transpired that this guy's wife, of about forty years, had died two months previously. This guy, Bill, already a little bit senile, I think, had started drinking and never stopped. Bill had a son, and from what I could tell, his son would regularly come over and try to look after his dad. But his son, who I guess was about forty, had his own family too and he couldn't be there all the time.

2:40 But Bill wasn't on his own. Bill did have people around him. But it didn't matter, because, Bill said to me; the love of his life had died. And he wanted to die. And he was going to die. He was drinking and smoking so much, from what I could tell he wasn't really eating, and it wasn't a way of coping. It was a way of killing himself.

3:05 He didn't think he would see his wife after he died, he didn't think he'd ever see her again. And he wanted to die because of it. And that's what love is. It's two people, becoming one, and dying as one. It is agony.

3:20 And the worst thing is: most people, will never really know it!

[A pastel colour-filtered video of a woman in a wedding veil, sniffing some flowers plays, and a clip of two children, a girl and a boy sitting together at school, chatting and holding hands plays.]

3:24 You see, the way love is represented usually is as this wonderful happy thing that makes people complete and allows you to saunter around in public places, like people kicked out of the dentist too early. You know, before the Novocaine wears off and the pain kicks in.

[Back to Georg.]

3:42 Novocaine? What am I? But love isn't necessarily a good thing. What if you're in love with someone who's dead? What if you're in love with a child? What if you're in love with a child? Who's dead. Infatuation isn't love, that's what they say. Unless love is just long term infatuation.

[Georg is holding his teacup up to his mouth, as if about to drink.]

3:59 You can't really love someone, I reckon, until you really know someone. Until you know their dark side.

[The teacup returns to the saucer.]

4:05 It's easy to love someone who's all sunshine and watermelons. The real test is when your partner becomes depressed, or when they lose their job, or when they say: "You see this dot? You see this dot here? I got this dot in the legion and it means I killed somebody off duty in a bar. And I'm more proud of this dot than I am our brown-bred kids!"

[Georg, for this next line, is looking at an empty bottle of vodka he pulled out of a draw.]

4:21 Let's go to the love master himself, Houston Beiber, for a more adroit explanation.

[A video plays of Justin Beiber as a young kid talking in response to what he thinks love is.]

4:29 Justin: You're always going to, I dunno, like, there's a difference between love and being in love. You can love someone and not necessarily be in love, so. I think that I've loved girls, but, I don't know, I don't know if I've been in love before.

[Back to Georg.]

4:42 There's a difference between sex, and being in sex! What do Victoria's secret angels, have to say about it?

[Clip of some women talking about what they think love is.]

4:49 Girl 1: When a man love a woman, he has to show her!

4:52 Girl 2: Give me lots of compliments, that's a star-t.

4:54 Girl 3: Treat you the way you should be treated. Me-en?

4:59 Girl 4: One time I came home, and there was rose petals everywhere... and it was just, like, out of the movies.

5:10 Girl 1: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

5:11 Girl 3: Bullshit.

[Cut back to camera two, the one that's close to and below Georg, then back to camera one, he is seen opening a draw and shouting into it.]

5:12 FFFFFFUCK OFF.

[Georg shuts the draw that contains the fuck off. After the taco line he begins patting his forehead with a handkerchief as if to wipe away sweat.]

5:15 I'll save that one for later. I've had tortilla tacos with more substance than them. We're constantly being sold love. But it isn't really love.

5:26 You can't explain love, you know, love is like a, a fuzzy feeling you get, like it's life but it's a little bit sweeter like, y- y- it's just that feeling, y'know?

[A image appears, with a black background. The word 'Love' is written in white text, then the words 'infatuation', 'lust', 'self-preservation', and 'fear of loneliness' appear in all four corners of the screen, representing the square.]

5:33 But you can explain love! Love is square. You've got infatuation, lust, self-preservation, fear of loneliness.

[Back to Georg.]

5:41 All those reasons, often in conjunction with one another, are why 99% of people who think they're in love, are in love. I'm not saying they don't feel anything for each other, I'm not saying their relationship's invalid. But what I am saying, is that the idea that there's soulmates out there, that someone is made just for you, is bollocks. I like the idea though. A lot of people who are in love, are just in love because they've been told they're in love.

6:06 Fucking hell, I hope my wife doesn't see this.

[A video is shown here of two people kissing in front of some baking utensils, eggs and such, and two men taking a selfie. A girl lying down facing the camera smiles, and two people ride bikes with streamers, a man and a woman. As Georg mentions Simon and Garfunkel, two people who are dressed up as Simon and Garfunkel appear along with a laugh track. They begin to sing a song called "Shooting stars - Tiny eyes."]

6:09 What I mean is, we're constantly being told that we'd be happier together, if we were part of a duet. People are meant to be together. You can be happy. Simon and Garfunkel.

[Back to Georg.]

6:25 The conspiracy theorist inside me wants to say, it's so people are kept in their place. So they breed. So you don't get huge swarms of angry horny men roaming around. Well, I mean larger swarms. The reality is, love, as we're sold it, is all about money. Some insidious company, run by Scrooge Mc. Fuckhead, has worked out a long time ago that it can make a whole lot of moolah if it sells suckers normal trips at 170% of their prices, over valentine's day weekend.

[As Georg talks about selling travel, yellow text pops up onscreen that says: "Sponsored by Trivago".]

6:53 Florists put their prices up. Chocolatiers salt their nuts. Don't know what to buy the wife, sir? Chanel no. 5 is good. And it's only $500. Valentine's day? It's a corporate tent pole. Of course it is, with Christmas just gone, and it's too far away to wait for Easter. People talk about how sex has been commercialised! But there's an honesty in that, compared to what's happened to love.

[A few clips play here, as always. The first is two shots of people walking down a street wearing, or holding jewellery. The second is of two people sitting at a candlelit table eating dinner, and a bride falling down some stairs. Two Japanese girls in costumes looking at an iPhone together. Then a shot of a tanned, fit man's abs and rather pointy speed-os. Then a similar shot of an equally tanned and fit woman's strangely perky nipples in a bikini.]

7:14 Show her you care! But her a ring! A table for two! Joint bank account. Trinkets for him, trinkets for her. Till death do you spend.

[Back to Georg.]

7:23 Online dating now accounts for about a third of all marriages in the US. How much of that is really down to people being too cowardly to go up to someone at a bar, and have them say, "no thanks, your breath smells like tuna. your face smells like tuna. fuck off."? Online dating. Perish the thought that you fall in love with someone whose economic background is different to yours. Whose bio you don't like. Who believes something you don't believe in. Perish the thought that people have to actually go out there, and be with people they like, when they can just fill in some forms and an algorithm will find the mirror images of their fat boring selves.

[Georg opens the draw.]

8:00 The Draw: FFFFFFUCK OFF.

[A video is shown of two people, a man and a woman at the Oscars awards ceremony, getting their photos taken. Their faces are blurred out. The woman takes the man's hand and makes him put it around her waist. Then their faces are un-blurred and we see that the man is a lot older than the woman.]

8:02 Of course, people too are cynical. Of course they are. Ever heard of a fat rich man getting married to someone 30 years their junior? Yes.

[A clip plays of a man giving a woman some money, from a wad of bills at an airport.]

8:08 Heard of someone getting married to someone thirty years their junior, with severe facial deformities but a heart of gold?

[Back to Georg.]

8:15 NO. In fact, it's very hard to find examples of people who've gotten married, or settled down, or gotten serious with people who aren't from the same socio-economic background. Maybe Prince William. But his options were kinda limited if he didn't want an heir that was the embodiment of hemophilia. In fact, talking of incest, I think a better, modern equivalent, now that the European royalty are marrying commoners, is Hollywood.

[Cut to camera 2. Georg waves his hands about suggestively.]

8:39 They all, I mean, y'know. They all...

[Back to camera one. Georg is holding his tea again.]

8:44 What becomes of the broken hearted? They die, just like the rest. Also I think I should do the paid bit now.

[Georg pulls out a long, rounded Aerosol spray can. Once he is finished talking about it he tosses it to the side.]

8:50 This is English Lady, which may or may not be an oxymoron, it's a deodorant that contains pheromones, so, wear this on singles night. And if that doesn't work, you can always sit on it.

9:03 What is love? Lust. Attraction. Entrapment. Obsession, too. Go to the one you love. Don't let anything stop you. Don't let anything stand: in the way of love.

[Music begins playing. It's Take On Me by a-ha. We cut to the second camera and Georg lip syncs with the lyrics, his face going black, white and sketchy as is the style of the video. Not that Georg wasn't sketchy enough already. Just to add to the effect, he stares intensely into the camera, and the sound becomes muffled. He begins grinning eerily, and nods.]

9:20 Georg's Mouth: I'll be coming for you, anyway.

9:22 Audio: Ta-ake me o-on. Take. On. Me. I'll be gone, in a day or two-o.

[Fade to black.]

[Georg outro plays, circa 2017.]