A Guide to Online Dating from a Datologist is the 295th video publicly available on Georg's channel. It is 4 minutes and 10 seconds long and is in the playlist created by Georg, 'Vlogs'. This means that it is a vlog.
This is a certified Lava Lamp video.
[Georg is looking into the camera, which is about a meter and a half in front of him. The Lava Lamp takes up a third of the screen on the left.]
0:00: Hello, I'm Doctor Georg Rockall-Schmidt, author of Flirting for Fools and professor of datology at the university of Utah.
0:07: Dating can be a very tricky thing, especially if you're gross, or young.
[Cut to a second camera, at an angle looking up at Georg from his right.]
0:14: Young men and women are like safes.
[A few seconds of awkward silence ensue, Georg breaks eye contact for a moment before making a suggestive gesture with his eyebrow. We return to camera one.]
0:18 So it's a great idea to find your dates online. Because when it comes to people, forget about quality, it's all about volume.
0:27 Step one; your dating profile needs a name - hint, your dating profile should always start with your title, whether that be Mr, Mrs, Miss, Lady, Lord, Arch-Deacon and so on.
0:41 Secondly, your dating name, after your title, needs to be an attractive attribute of yourself.
[A picture of a woman with bloated lips who looks like she's arisen from a murky lake.]
0:48 Take a look at this fine filly of a horse.
[Cut back to camera one, Georg shaking his finger at the audience, then inspects his fingernail.]
0:50 Think about what her dating name should be.
[The same picture of the same woman, but now the photo's location is in a profile for a fabricated dating site. Blue text reads across the top of the site, CHEAPDATESITE.COM. Her biography reads: "Mrs. Big Lips. Welcome to the page for Mrs. Big Lips. You're probably not good enough to be here, but if against the odds you are, please keep reading." Both the About section and the Personality section read; "Mrs. Big Lips has not yet filled out this section.]
0:52 Mrs. Big Lips is the perfect name for capturing the essence of this person.
[Cut to camera one. While saying the next line, Georg covers his head with his hand at the mention of bald spots, and then in turn covers his face with the other hand at the mention of beauty. He continues with the line while his hands are still on his face.]
0:58 Step two; take a photo of yourself. Be sure to cover up your bald spot, and any other part of your face that you don't deem to be beautiful. Hint: a camera timer can help in this situation.
1:11 Another hint; it's always a good idea to use a photo of yourself, with an ex-partner. That way people know you're not undatable. If you don't have a photo of yourself with an ex-partner, just take a normal photo of yourself and draw an ex-partner in.
[Here there is an image that flashes onscreen, just long enough that you don't have any time to take it in. Describing this image might take away the effect of the flashing image, but most people probably paused the video to see what it was anyway. The picture is of a man of Asian descent in his mid-twenties with unkempt hair standing next to two anime girls who have been edited in (most likely Photoshop was used here). Small yellow text reads, "*This person was later apprehended for being just too cool."
[Back to Georg.]
1:26 Step three: write about yourself, but always be sure to refer to yourself in the third person.
[An image reminiscent of the early knockoff dating site. The picture this time is a man in his forties, with blonde hair and reasonable stubble. The stubble is dark grey, in contrast with his blonde hair which shows that the hair is dyed. He has shimmering blue eyes that enchant the author of this transcript who fell in love instantly. Text in the biography is in three sections, as previous. The first section is entitled Mr. Audi A4. Text reads: "Mr. Audi M4 is all about sincerity. Sometimes when Mr. Audi A4 speaks, people cry." The second section, About, says: "A fight against a rich banker, a man with no ego." And the third section, Personality, contains the text: "Mr. Audi A4 owns an AudiA4." George narrates this image.]
1:34 Mr. Audi A4 is all about sincerity. Sometimes when Mr. Audi A4 speaks, people cry.
[Back to the first camera.]
1:41 Don't forget to spice things up a bit with some negativity, so people know that you're for real.
[Another identical knock off dating page. Image is of a young dark haired woman. The sections read: "Ms. Went To Harvard. Ms. Went to Harvard loves to experience different cultures and loves to travel, and she especially loves to try local, uncivilised cuisine, however she will not eat French food, as the French are an inferior people. About. Ms. Went to Harvard wishes that you would leave Britney alone. Personality. Ms. Went to Harvard is not an elitist and treats all her staff as if they were her friends, even if they are unable to read, can only speak in a servile language, or are just gross." Georg partially narrates this image as well.]
1:47 Ms. Went to Harvard loves to experience different cultures and loves to travel, and she especially loves to try local uncivilised cuisine, however she will not eat French food, as the French are an inferior people.
[It's Georg again. Back to you, camera one.]
1:59 It's also a good idea to make sure that people can tell that you're confident. Here are some power words and phrases that you might want to use in your profile:
[A slightly grey image of a human heart appears on a black background, with yellow text for each phrase Georg uses.]
2:10 Shadow Broker. Cogent Versatility. My Success Is Down To My Dynamic Temper. Bullshit Intolerant. Buckleberric. And my own favourite, I am the Alpha Flamingo.
[You guessed it. Back to Georg.]
2:21 Of course, be sure that these phrases and words fit into your profile naturally, or else they may sound stupid.
[We cut to the second camera again. We see Georg still looking at the first camera directly in front of him for a moment before he focuses his intense and attractive gaze on the second camera. There is about ten seconds of silence, during which Georg's eyes attatch on different things in the room, or just away from the camera entirely. He reconvenes with more eye contact and his eyebrows shift. His body language conveys that he is uncomfortable. Then it's back to the Lava Lamp, thank god.]
0:23 Step four; write a list of qualities that a future partner of yours must have. Use as many qualities as possible.
[We return to the image of the heart. This time the heart reads yellow text with words that quickly pop up all over the screen in contrast with what Georg is saying. This text reads: "Other values to consider. Fun. Serious. Leisurely. Crapulous. Fabulous. Beige. Mendacious. Creamy. Banjo. Ostracised. Uxorious. Saggy. Shaggy. McLoving. Turbo-Enabled. Mundane. Horse-Like. Puckish. Fetid. Bodacious. Jejune. Geriatric. Allergic. Insolent. Crazed. Mucky. Tidy. Pro-Gluten. Obsessive. Hyper. Repetitive Strain Disorder. Gritty. Milf. Off. Freaky. Boring. Excretable. Depressing, Moody. Scrambled. Wise. Salacious. Meaphorical. (It is possible that this is meant to read 'Metaphorical' but it might be an elaborate joke, or a word I haven't heard of.) Morecambe. Hairy. Out And Proud. Dramatic. Wizardly. Even Keeled. Moribund. Aged. Hi-Fidelity. Downy Fluff. Mannered. Laugher. Squealer. Caffeinated. Dominator. X In Name. Titilating. Anti-Fedora. Embalmed. Monstrous. Ginger. Immortal. Saggy. (Already used, but I'll give you a pass on this one, Georg.) Garrulous. Playboy Certified. Nobbly. Crystalised. Nerdy. Hungry. Extrapolating. Massive. Toothile. Buffon. (Possibly meaning buffoon.) Working Knowledge of Dos. Gooey. Conspirator. Bananary. Indistinguishable. Token. Tone deaf. Predictable. Arsey. Barren. Passed It. Somnambulist. Acidic. Pacificiable. Shagadelic. Minty. Adultered. Wasted. Heston Blumenthal. As all of these things appear on the screen the words begin to blur and the image shakes. Georg reads off a list of different traits.]
2:43 Open-minded, loving, caring, calm, simple, passionate, bookish, sexy, down-to-earth, salt-of-the-sea, head-in-the-over, Jim Beaver approved.
[Camera one again.]
2:54 Step five; message absolutely everybody you can with the same template. This weeds out time wasters. Don't bother with their names, as this will only slow you down. Instead, use a ubiquitous greeting that is sure to endear, and catch the eye.
[A picture is shown here, with the same heading as before, CHEAPDATESITE.COM. But this time the template is for a message received. The profile picture to the left shows a man with a mullet, colours ranging from grey to blonde to brown. Text reads: "You have received a message from Mr. Dad Owns A Yacht! Hello Me Sausage, Mr. Dad Owns a Yacht here checking in to let you know your profile has engaged my cogent versatility and am open to coitus, maybe more depending on you. Love to know more about you. You have a cute smile/eyes. Explain your stance on abortion." George yet again narrates this image.]
3:12 Hello Me Sausage! Mr. Dad Owns A Yacht here checking in to let you know your profile has engaged my cogent versatility and am open to coitus, maybe more depending on you. Love to know more about you. You have a cute smile, slash eyes. Explain your stance on abortion.
[Cut back to Georg.]
3:30 Step six; all you have to do now is reply to some of the countless messages you are sure to receive. Don't forget to wear a condom, when meeting someone new.
[Cut to second camera.]
3:39 Now I know what you're thinking - why is a professor of datology not interested in romantic relationships? Well it's quite simple really. I just don't want to ruin anybody's life.
[Quick cut to black, and the Georg Rockall-Schmidt outro circa 2017 plays. Suggested videos are, 'Love (The Greatest Lie Ever Sold) Explained in 10 Minutes' and a playlist entitled 'Film Vlogs.']